Dear Kashi,
First of all, I would like to say that I am and always will be a heavy hitter on the Kashi Brand message boards, love the daily challenges, and am constantly looking to your website for advice on all aspects of my life. But now on to the more disturbing Kashi-related matter at hand. For the longest time I had eaten Kashi GOLEAN cereal every morning. I would eat a Kashi Granola bar as a mid-afternoon snack, and I would sometimes even indulge in the Kashi frozen thin-crust pizza when I was feeling particularly naughty. Recently, about three months ago, I tired of Kashi GOLEAN a bit and decided to convert to Kashi GOLEAN Crunch instead; something very peculiar has come about as a result. Bear with me here. Now, ever since I can remember, I have made daily journal entries on the dreams I have. It is a task that goes hand in hand with my morning bowl of Kash Brand cereal. Now, precisely two days after I made the switchover to Kashi GOLEAN Crunch for breakfast, I dreamt something very disturbing. The contents of my dream journal read as follows: "January 21st, 2008: Last night, I dreamt of Ennis Del Mar, the character Heath Ledger plays in "Brokeback Mountain." He was in a swanky Soho Apartment and Michelle Tanner, the youngest daughter on the show, Full House, played by both Olsen Twins is there too. In the dream, I am Michelle Tanner's babysitter-bodyguard. The police show up, specifically Mariska Hargitay of Law and Order: SVU. I panic. 'Why is the sexual victims unit here?!' I think to myself. Then, it all comes out. Someone had been sexually assaulted by Robert Downey Jr's character in Ally Mcbeal, not sure who. Then Ennis dies." The next day, on the 22nd of January, Heath Ledger, star of "Brokeback Mountain," dies. He dies! I realized how prescient my dream had been but decided to not overthink it. Then, days later, my dream journal entry: "January 24, 2008: Brad Renfro died a week ago." I woke up in a cold sweat from this one. It's still the middle of the night. I decide to consult the internet, and true enough Brad Renfro of the movie "The Firm," had died a week before. This was starting to get eerie, but then nothing, nada! for two months. I thought this sooth-saying streak had finally passed and how grateful I was. Fast forward to the dream entry from the night of April 4, 2008. Here it is: April 5, 2008: In my dream last night, there was a newsboy in a newsboy cap straight out of the film "Newsies" slinging newspapers belting loudly "Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Moses in the Ten Commandments! Dead! A Shocker!" Then, in the next scene of the dream, I am in a marionette theater. A performance of the film, Ben Hur, is being staged. Then it goes up in flames. Charlton Heston dies." And, the next thing I know, Charlton Heston is dead as of 5 April 2008 AD! Ah, cruel fate! Why have I been burdened with this awful power! What could be worse?! The rest of the day I spent trying to figure out just what caused these celebrity death-related oracular powers. I picked that dream journal apart with a fine tooth comb and realized the only change I had made was diet-related. Just days before the first dream had come to me, I had made the change from Kashi GOLEAN Cereal to Kashi GOLEAN Crunch. Now, there you have it. I thought it my duty to tell you of the peculiar powers the 'Crunch' morsels have had over me. What are in those? Have you gotten similar accounts from disturbed and concerned customers? I have since thrown away my 30 boxes of backup Kashi GOLEAN Crunch and have moved on to the less spiritually powerful Kashi Good Friends. This is not to say I am purged of these horrible dreams and the burden of this power. Just the opposite. It plagues me every day. Please get me back about this problem at your earliest convenience.
Thank you,
Bubba Barinsky
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> From: 7wholegrains@kashi.com
> To: grandmaprinceton@hotmail.com
> Subject: Re: Consumer Affairs 013329011A
> Date: Tue, 15 Apr 2008 21:46:09 -0500
>
> Hello Bubba,
>
> It was very thoughtful of you to take the time to let us know how much you enjoy Kashi® products! Thank you!
>
> We devote a great deal of effort into making nutritious yet tasty products, and it is good to know you think we have been successful.
>
> We will be sure to share your feedback with the rest of the folks here. Thanks again for e-mailing us and sharing the contents of your dream journal!
>
>
> Best of health,
>
>
> Pawel M Dabrowa
> Consumer Relations
>
>
> 3PMD/cl
>
> 013329011A
>
>
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Hello Mr. Dabrowa,
Thank you so much for your gracious electronic mail, but I don't think you understand the gravity of the problem. My dream journal states that I have prophesied three celebrity deaths at this point, and it's not the end! Please advise me on which product in your product line can undo the dastardly effects of Kashi GOLEAN Crunch! Yes, nutritious and tasty they are, but your Kashi® products might be my psychological undoing. Please, get back to me soon, and I thank you in advance.
Your loyal customer,
Mrs. Bubba Barinsky.
PS: I feel Rob Schneider will be next.
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