Movie Revue

As transcribed by my pretty, bosom-of-plenty granddaughter, Bubba:

I do love old-fashioned spellings, like 'revue.' I do. I do.

Today, my lovely granddaughter wrote a movie review for cinematical.com. She says no, but I say don't be bashful, sweet and mild (but silly) Bubba. Here it is.

Revue of Film

She says to scroll to the bottom to the comments section. Scroll! Like a piece of parchment wound up in a bottle washed up to shore? How romantic!

(Oil of) Dog Addicts Anonymous

Good evening,

I wouldn't say so much that i have a dog addiction, more like a stew and hearty soup addiction, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. The British fellow at Digital Fix on Grand said this is where i should inquire about my rather sensitive matter--that you're running a black market of sorts out of your williamsburg branch. Then, one of the baristas in Blackbird Parlour confirmed it. So, now I can feel comfortable asking--what I need from you is oil of dog, about eight tablespoons worth. I would say the amount a Pekinese would render will suffice. I'm prepared to pay well above the market price for it since I need it for a dinner party on wednesday night. Given the time restraints, if you don't have any Pekinese lying around, anything between the size of a Chihuahua and a Dachsund will do just fine.

Anyways, thank you so much in advance. My large network of friends and I are thrilled to hear that a purveyor of all breed of dog oil is here in the brooklyn area, so you should be getting a lot of business from us in the coming months. And, do not worry! We will keep your secret.

Kindest Regards,
Ms. Bubba Barinsky

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From: priti@dogaddiction.com
To: grandmaprinceton@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: oil of dog
Date: Mon, 14 Jul 2008 09:30:09 -0400

I apologize Ms Bubba Barinksy but Dog Addiction is not in the underground oil of dog business... well not since that incident last year in Berlin. However if you are desperate we tend to have a large collection of piss and poo at the end of the day. If interested, we won't ask questions... we'll leave the trash bag at a safe location for your pick up.

Many thanks,
__________

ps. Don't trust any baristas at Blackbird, they clearly can't be trusted.

____________
Owner & Resident DJ
Dog Addiction

243 berry street
brooklyn, ny 11211
718.599.1656
_______@dogaddiction.com
www.dogaddiction.com

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From: Bubba Barinsky
Date: Mon, 14 Jul 2008 14:25:28 -0400
To: priti
Subject: RE: oil of dog
My dear girl,

Methinks you are mistaken. Maybe you haven't been employed at Dog Addiction long enough for them to let you in on it (and to let you have a share of what must be an abundant oil of dog income). Furthermore, you should chastise them for lying to you when you pressed them on the issue. There was no dog addiction-related incident in Berlin last year. I assure you Tesco has a monopoly on the oil of dog market in Continental Europe as well as the UK. Lastly, I think I understand why they didn't let you in on it. Dog excrement has absolutely nothing to do with oil of dog. Oil of dog can only be rendered after hours and hours of boiling dogs in vats, adding some sea salt, and then chilling the liquid for 48 hours. What did you think oil of dog was?

With warmth,
Ms. Barinsky

PS: I think it my duty to tell the kind workers at Blackbird Parlour about your slanderous remarks!

------------

As owner (and resident DJ per my title) I can assure you what you heard about dog addiction is a myth. We do not do anything cruel to dogs except dance around and sing them Bob Dylan tracks. My offer for a vile of dog urine still stands otherwise I wouldn't want to waste your time further (nor mine, very busy caring for dogs, picking up poo, and trying to hire more employees to do the same, etc) best of luck to you and even better luck to you in finding better things to do with your time. ;)
But thanks anyway for the Monday morning laugh.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Who said a cheeseshop should look like the set of a Nick Junior Show Anyways?!

Hi there! Bubba here and ready to apply for your J-O-B at your C-H-E-E-S-E S-H-O-P. You know what Voltaire said... You don't? Well neither do I! But what I do know is I like cheese shop a little more than the next guy or gal.

I'm tall, smart, sexy and serious, and no doubt ready to monger whatever cheese you throw my way. Let me lay the scene for you. Bald and bespectacled, I await the first customer at 6 am. A young couple walks in, the cheeses are all hot and steamy, just out of the oven. The smell of fresh cheese wafting through the air. Like Gay Par-ee in the 1920's, I ask them, "Quelle fromage que tu voudrais?" They say in unison, as young lovers do, "a strong, supple cheese, my good lady." I cut a small sample of the comte for them. They gasp in ecstacy as they let the complex flavors wash over their respective palates. I say, "Well, where do we go from here, my fawns?" And they reply with, "we want to take it, but we have not a farthing to our name!" and I say being the kind, generous, princely cheesemonger I am, "It's yours for the price of a smile, on the house!" Because what we love most here at the Bedford Cheese Palace (possible name change?) is to aid the young and helpless in starting off on the right foot. But when wealthy established older folk come in to purchase a chaise or two, I will charge them double. What do you say?

When can I start?

Yours in everything,
Bubba Barinsky

FUN-DUH-MENTALZ

Let me explain. Let me explain.

There are many ways to read your store name, but to me it's like "Fun? Duh-uh! Don't be mentalz! Of course we're going to have fun! "

A little bit about myself:

One wacky musician in the house named Bubba. I've got a little break dancing experience and I LOVE the chitlins, the little folk, the kidlets! I play the ukulele, the banjo, the maracas, the mandolin, et al. Oh, and young folk love the way I dress, always in the zaniest of fashions.

Now let's get to the meat here, the goods. I want to be an em-ploy-YAY! of Fundamentals! A fundamentor, if you will. <--You can use that, ho ho ho. Now, what do you need from me to prove that I am the right gal for the job? Please let me know! FUNderstand???

Tank ya!
Bubba Barinsky

Search for Scrapbooking Store Employment Attempt #1

Dear Scrapadoodle Proprietor,

I'm wondering if there are any job openings at your scrapadoodle branch. I am myself a passionate scrap-booker and have an active interest in the community. I noticed one of your reviews on insiderpages.com. It read:

"Scrapadoodle has the best selection of products in town. They have them nicely displayed in a great roomy, well lit store. Their class selection is also good. Crop costs seems a bit high for what you get.

My only complaint is that you ask the staff about a product they don't have, they usually say "I don't know...I'll leave a message for the owner". Getting an answer back on this message to the owner never seems to happen, even if you leave a phone number for them to call."

Now, I just want to say I have a memory for inventory and would never half-assedly say to a customer that I will leave the boss a note. Furthermore, I have a number of t-shirts on which I have screen-printed images of my scrap-books and will, lest there is a uniform, wear them daily to work. That's a promise.

Please let me know where online I could procure an application or if you would like me to come on store premises to interview.

yours in scrapbooking,

Kooky Starbucks Store, my grandson found this one.

Hello Starbucks Customer Service,

I'm a regular and loyal customer/fan at Princeton/Nassau Street Retail Location, and I want to let you know about a very disturbing trend that I've recently become aware of. First, let me give you some background. I am a staunch fan of your canned 6.5 Fl Oz doubleshot espresso & cream. I come to the princeton branch every day and indulge in one of these excellent beverages. I go up to the fridge display, pluck out an icy cold doubleshot, and go up to the cashier and say, "just one of these puppies, please! ring it up, kind sir." But recently, whenever I am in your store on a tuesday or wednesday, I find that there are no doubleshots to be had! Out of stock! Kaput. So, I inquired with the general manager and it came to light that you only restock every thursday on doubleshots and in my humble opinion, you have grossly miscalculated the amount of doubleshots that should go to your princeton location. They are a wild success, selling out like gang-busters, and from my notes, it seems you only restock about twenty or so each week. Tisk tisk. Please see to it that I dont go through another tuesday/wednesday thoroughly disappointed by this gaping void left by these small but scintillating cans of ice-cold espresso.
Secondly, I see you offer a $25 gift card that I can get customized. The other day, while in the store, I asked an associate barista, "good, kind Senor, is it possible to customize my Starbucks gift card with a photographic image, well it's a private matter, suffice it to say a photo taken in a certain bathhouse circa '77?" And he said that he wasn't sure but thought they only offered clipart to customize said gift cards. Clip art?! What the devil? Anyways, of course, I was in disbelief and wanted to hear the truth straight from the horse's mouth.
Lastly, I am currently writing a novelization of the Lilith Fair '98 Concert and am interested to know whether you plan on reissuing your Lilith Fair '98 Compilation. It would of great value to this rather ambitious project of mine.

Thanks so much for your time.

Yours,

Mrs. Bubba Barinsky

Stacy's Pita Chips: double layer not to be trusted.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am a huge fan of Stacy's Pita Chips. They don't make them more loyal than me, but I just have one very small but important criticism. First, some background: 90% of the pita chips in any given back of stacy's pita chips are crisp, delicate, subtly-flavored masterpieces. But, every once in a while, one of those scoundrels gets folded over (I presume during the baking process) to produce a double-layered chip. Now, this is a whole different ball-game. A double-layered chip is difficult to bite through, unwieldy. in one word, overkill, like the movie, SAW IV, just unnecessary. Anyways, I'm wondering if it's possible for you to make sure this 10% of double-layered chips ceases to exist, is completely eradicated, leaving behind a pure race of single-layered golden-brown lovelies, each a perfect mouthful. What do you say?

your loyal customer,
Mrs. Barinsky