Movie Revue

As transcribed by my pretty, bosom-of-plenty granddaughter, Bubba:

I do love old-fashioned spellings, like 'revue.' I do. I do.

Today, my lovely granddaughter wrote a movie review for cinematical.com. She says no, but I say don't be bashful, sweet and mild (but silly) Bubba. Here it is.

Revue of Film

She says to scroll to the bottom to the comments section. Scroll! Like a piece of parchment wound up in a bottle washed up to shore? How romantic!

(Oil of) Dog Addicts Anonymous

Good evening,

I wouldn't say so much that i have a dog addiction, more like a stew and hearty soup addiction, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. The British fellow at Digital Fix on Grand said this is where i should inquire about my rather sensitive matter--that you're running a black market of sorts out of your williamsburg branch. Then, one of the baristas in Blackbird Parlour confirmed it. So, now I can feel comfortable asking--what I need from you is oil of dog, about eight tablespoons worth. I would say the amount a Pekinese would render will suffice. I'm prepared to pay well above the market price for it since I need it for a dinner party on wednesday night. Given the time restraints, if you don't have any Pekinese lying around, anything between the size of a Chihuahua and a Dachsund will do just fine.

Anyways, thank you so much in advance. My large network of friends and I are thrilled to hear that a purveyor of all breed of dog oil is here in the brooklyn area, so you should be getting a lot of business from us in the coming months. And, do not worry! We will keep your secret.

Kindest Regards,
Ms. Bubba Barinsky

------------------

From: priti@dogaddiction.com
To: grandmaprinceton@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: oil of dog
Date: Mon, 14 Jul 2008 09:30:09 -0400

I apologize Ms Bubba Barinksy but Dog Addiction is not in the underground oil of dog business... well not since that incident last year in Berlin. However if you are desperate we tend to have a large collection of piss and poo at the end of the day. If interested, we won't ask questions... we'll leave the trash bag at a safe location for your pick up.

Many thanks,
__________

ps. Don't trust any baristas at Blackbird, they clearly can't be trusted.

____________
Owner & Resident DJ
Dog Addiction

243 berry street
brooklyn, ny 11211
718.599.1656
_______@dogaddiction.com
www.dogaddiction.com

--------------

From: Bubba Barinsky
Date: Mon, 14 Jul 2008 14:25:28 -0400
To: priti
Subject: RE: oil of dog
My dear girl,

Methinks you are mistaken. Maybe you haven't been employed at Dog Addiction long enough for them to let you in on it (and to let you have a share of what must be an abundant oil of dog income). Furthermore, you should chastise them for lying to you when you pressed them on the issue. There was no dog addiction-related incident in Berlin last year. I assure you Tesco has a monopoly on the oil of dog market in Continental Europe as well as the UK. Lastly, I think I understand why they didn't let you in on it. Dog excrement has absolutely nothing to do with oil of dog. Oil of dog can only be rendered after hours and hours of boiling dogs in vats, adding some sea salt, and then chilling the liquid for 48 hours. What did you think oil of dog was?

With warmth,
Ms. Barinsky

PS: I think it my duty to tell the kind workers at Blackbird Parlour about your slanderous remarks!

------------

As owner (and resident DJ per my title) I can assure you what you heard about dog addiction is a myth. We do not do anything cruel to dogs except dance around and sing them Bob Dylan tracks. My offer for a vile of dog urine still stands otherwise I wouldn't want to waste your time further (nor mine, very busy caring for dogs, picking up poo, and trying to hire more employees to do the same, etc) best of luck to you and even better luck to you in finding better things to do with your time. ;)
But thanks anyway for the Monday morning laugh.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Who said a cheeseshop should look like the set of a Nick Junior Show Anyways?!

Hi there! Bubba here and ready to apply for your J-O-B at your C-H-E-E-S-E S-H-O-P. You know what Voltaire said... You don't? Well neither do I! But what I do know is I like cheese shop a little more than the next guy or gal.

I'm tall, smart, sexy and serious, and no doubt ready to monger whatever cheese you throw my way. Let me lay the scene for you. Bald and bespectacled, I await the first customer at 6 am. A young couple walks in, the cheeses are all hot and steamy, just out of the oven. The smell of fresh cheese wafting through the air. Like Gay Par-ee in the 1920's, I ask them, "Quelle fromage que tu voudrais?" They say in unison, as young lovers do, "a strong, supple cheese, my good lady." I cut a small sample of the comte for them. They gasp in ecstacy as they let the complex flavors wash over their respective palates. I say, "Well, where do we go from here, my fawns?" And they reply with, "we want to take it, but we have not a farthing to our name!" and I say being the kind, generous, princely cheesemonger I am, "It's yours for the price of a smile, on the house!" Because what we love most here at the Bedford Cheese Palace (possible name change?) is to aid the young and helpless in starting off on the right foot. But when wealthy established older folk come in to purchase a chaise or two, I will charge them double. What do you say?

When can I start?

Yours in everything,
Bubba Barinsky

FUN-DUH-MENTALZ

Let me explain. Let me explain.

There are many ways to read your store name, but to me it's like "Fun? Duh-uh! Don't be mentalz! Of course we're going to have fun! "

A little bit about myself:

One wacky musician in the house named Bubba. I've got a little break dancing experience and I LOVE the chitlins, the little folk, the kidlets! I play the ukulele, the banjo, the maracas, the mandolin, et al. Oh, and young folk love the way I dress, always in the zaniest of fashions.

Now let's get to the meat here, the goods. I want to be an em-ploy-YAY! of Fundamentals! A fundamentor, if you will. <--You can use that, ho ho ho. Now, what do you need from me to prove that I am the right gal for the job? Please let me know! FUNderstand???

Tank ya!
Bubba Barinsky

Search for Scrapbooking Store Employment Attempt #1

Dear Scrapadoodle Proprietor,

I'm wondering if there are any job openings at your scrapadoodle branch. I am myself a passionate scrap-booker and have an active interest in the community. I noticed one of your reviews on insiderpages.com. It read:

"Scrapadoodle has the best selection of products in town. They have them nicely displayed in a great roomy, well lit store. Their class selection is also good. Crop costs seems a bit high for what you get.

My only complaint is that you ask the staff about a product they don't have, they usually say "I don't know...I'll leave a message for the owner". Getting an answer back on this message to the owner never seems to happen, even if you leave a phone number for them to call."

Now, I just want to say I have a memory for inventory and would never half-assedly say to a customer that I will leave the boss a note. Furthermore, I have a number of t-shirts on which I have screen-printed images of my scrap-books and will, lest there is a uniform, wear them daily to work. That's a promise.

Please let me know where online I could procure an application or if you would like me to come on store premises to interview.

yours in scrapbooking,

Kooky Starbucks Store, my grandson found this one.

Hello Starbucks Customer Service,

I'm a regular and loyal customer/fan at Princeton/Nassau Street Retail Location, and I want to let you know about a very disturbing trend that I've recently become aware of. First, let me give you some background. I am a staunch fan of your canned 6.5 Fl Oz doubleshot espresso & cream. I come to the princeton branch every day and indulge in one of these excellent beverages. I go up to the fridge display, pluck out an icy cold doubleshot, and go up to the cashier and say, "just one of these puppies, please! ring it up, kind sir." But recently, whenever I am in your store on a tuesday or wednesday, I find that there are no doubleshots to be had! Out of stock! Kaput. So, I inquired with the general manager and it came to light that you only restock every thursday on doubleshots and in my humble opinion, you have grossly miscalculated the amount of doubleshots that should go to your princeton location. They are a wild success, selling out like gang-busters, and from my notes, it seems you only restock about twenty or so each week. Tisk tisk. Please see to it that I dont go through another tuesday/wednesday thoroughly disappointed by this gaping void left by these small but scintillating cans of ice-cold espresso.
Secondly, I see you offer a $25 gift card that I can get customized. The other day, while in the store, I asked an associate barista, "good, kind Senor, is it possible to customize my Starbucks gift card with a photographic image, well it's a private matter, suffice it to say a photo taken in a certain bathhouse circa '77?" And he said that he wasn't sure but thought they only offered clipart to customize said gift cards. Clip art?! What the devil? Anyways, of course, I was in disbelief and wanted to hear the truth straight from the horse's mouth.
Lastly, I am currently writing a novelization of the Lilith Fair '98 Concert and am interested to know whether you plan on reissuing your Lilith Fair '98 Compilation. It would of great value to this rather ambitious project of mine.

Thanks so much for your time.

Yours,

Mrs. Bubba Barinsky

Stacy's Pita Chips: double layer not to be trusted.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am a huge fan of Stacy's Pita Chips. They don't make them more loyal than me, but I just have one very small but important criticism. First, some background: 90% of the pita chips in any given back of stacy's pita chips are crisp, delicate, subtly-flavored masterpieces. But, every once in a while, one of those scoundrels gets folded over (I presume during the baking process) to produce a double-layered chip. Now, this is a whole different ball-game. A double-layered chip is difficult to bite through, unwieldy. in one word, overkill, like the movie, SAW IV, just unnecessary. Anyways, I'm wondering if it's possible for you to make sure this 10% of double-layered chips ceases to exist, is completely eradicated, leaving behind a pure race of single-layered golden-brown lovelies, each a perfect mouthful. What do you say?

your loyal customer,
Mrs. Barinsky

No Response from Whole Foods!!!

Dear Grocer,

I have been a loyal shopper at your grocery for 45 years now. It has come to my attention in the past couple of months that a group of seemingly high school aged hoodlums convene every friday from 4 to 5 in the women's lavatory for an illicit activity of a sort that I do not feel comfortable naming! Now, as much as it pains me to explain this, it is important i do to prove that I have borne witness to their uproarious antics. Every friday, before i begin my weekly shop for alfalfa sprouts, candied walnuts, flour, sugar, and wheat germ, I use the water closet to powder my nose and wash my hands. And, on the last couple of occasions, there have been some loud and raucous children in there. Normally, what I do when I know they are going to be in there is as soon as I walk in I just shut my eyes tight and loudly start chanting Ezekiel 25:17 in the hopes that it will put some of the fear of God in their hearts, but they have taken to heckling me saying things like "Grandma, you don't belong here! Get out!" and such. I am at my wit's end and thought you should be privy to the hateful activities at this Princeton Branch. Please keep me updated on how you intend to handle these evil young people!

A concerned customer,

Mrs. Barinsky

KASHI GoLean Problem

Dear Kashi,

First of all, I would like to say that I am and always will be a heavy hitter on the Kashi Brand message boards, love the daily challenges, and am constantly looking to your website for advice on all aspects of my life. But now on to the more disturbing Kashi-related matter at hand. For the longest time I had eaten Kashi GOLEAN cereal every morning. I would eat a Kashi Granola bar as a mid-afternoon snack, and I would sometimes even indulge in the Kashi frozen thin-crust pizza when I was feeling particularly naughty. Recently, about three months ago, I tired of Kashi GOLEAN a bit and decided to convert to Kashi GOLEAN Crunch instead; something very peculiar has come about as a result. Bear with me here. Now, ever since I can remember, I have made daily journal entries on the dreams I have. It is a task that goes hand in hand with my morning bowl of Kash Brand cereal. Now, precisely two days after I made the switchover to Kashi GOLEAN Crunch for breakfast, I dreamt something very disturbing. The contents of my dream journal read as follows: "January 21st, 2008: Last night, I dreamt of Ennis Del Mar, the character Heath Ledger plays in "Brokeback Mountain." He was in a swanky Soho Apartment and Michelle Tanner, the youngest daughter on the show, Full House, played by both Olsen Twins is there too. In the dream, I am Michelle Tanner's babysitter-bodyguard. The police show up, specifically Mariska Hargitay of Law and Order: SVU. I panic. 'Why is the sexual victims unit here?!' I think to myself. Then, it all comes out. Someone had been sexually assaulted by Robert Downey Jr's character in Ally Mcbeal, not sure who. Then Ennis dies." The next day, on the 22nd of January, Heath Ledger, star of "Brokeback Mountain," dies. He dies! I realized how prescient my dream had been but decided to not overthink it. Then, days later, my dream journal entry: "January 24, 2008: Brad Renfro died a week ago." I woke up in a cold sweat from this one. It's still the middle of the night. I decide to consult the internet, and true enough Brad Renfro of the movie "The Firm," had died a week before. This was starting to get eerie, but then nothing, nada! for two months. I thought this sooth-saying streak had finally passed and how grateful I was. Fast forward to the dream entry from the night of April 4, 2008. Here it is: April 5, 2008: In my dream last night, there was a newsboy in a newsboy cap straight out of the film "Newsies" slinging newspapers belting loudly "Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Moses in the Ten Commandments! Dead! A Shocker!" Then, in the next scene of the dream, I am in a marionette theater. A performance of the film, Ben Hur, is being staged. Then it goes up in flames. Charlton Heston dies." And, the next thing I know, Charlton Heston is dead as of 5 April 2008 AD! Ah, cruel fate! Why have I been burdened with this awful power! What could be worse?! The rest of the day I spent trying to figure out just what caused these celebrity death-related oracular powers. I picked that dream journal apart with a fine tooth comb and realized the only change I had made was diet-related. Just days before the first dream had come to me, I had made the change from Kashi GOLEAN Cereal to Kashi GOLEAN Crunch. Now, there you have it. I thought it my duty to tell you of the peculiar powers the 'Crunch' morsels have had over me. What are in those? Have you gotten similar accounts from disturbed and concerned customers? I have since thrown away my 30 boxes of backup Kashi GOLEAN Crunch and have moved on to the less spiritually powerful Kashi Good Friends. This is not to say I am purged of these horrible dreams and the burden of this power. Just the opposite. It plagues me every day. Please get me back about this problem at your earliest convenience.

Thank you,

Bubba Barinsky

-------------------------------------

> From: 7wholegrains@kashi.com
> To: grandmaprinceton@hotmail.com
> Subject: Re: Consumer Affairs 013329011A
> Date: Tue, 15 Apr 2008 21:46:09 -0500
>
> Hello Bubba,
>
> It was very thoughtful of you to take the time to let us know how much you enjoy Kashi® products! Thank you!
>
> We devote a great deal of effort into making nutritious yet tasty products, and it is good to know you think we have been successful.
>
> We will be sure to share your feedback with the rest of the folks here. Thanks again for e-mailing us and sharing the contents of your dream journal!
>
>
> Best of health,
>
>
> Pawel M Dabrowa
> Consumer Relations
>
>
> 3PMD/cl
>
> 013329011A
>
>
------------------------------------

Hello Mr. Dabrowa,

Thank you so much for your gracious electronic mail, but I don't think you understand the gravity of the problem. My dream journal states that I have prophesied three celebrity deaths at this point, and it's not the end! Please advise me on which product in your product line can undo the dastardly effects of Kashi GOLEAN Crunch! Yes, nutritious and tasty they are, but your Kashi® products might be my psychological undoing. Please, get back to me soon, and I thank you in advance.

Your loyal customer,

Mrs. Bubba Barinsky.

PS: I feel Rob Schneider will be next.

Bubba the Consumer Critic

With help from grandson, Wesley:

Dear Readers,

After I take the cats for a walk in the morning, I set to the task of writing letters of appreciation, of complaint, of suggestion to various businesses. I believe that a business can profit greatly from input from their consumer base. Now, the second step is to make my fellow consumers aware of my experiences with these businesses.

Here are my findings,

Faithfully,
Grandma Bubba

Bubba and Family

Transcribed by Feivel, Dictated by Bubba:

I lost the google page on my computer screen today, and I tried to just type in "where did I put google?" to ask my word processor, and then my son helped me start a weblog, so here goes!

A little about me: My name is Mrs. Bubba Barinsky. I'm 86 years young, widow of Mr. Carmine Barinsky, and mother of three lovely children, Feivel, Ruth, and Moira. Grandmother to 8 tykes, too! My son is going to help me put up photos soon.

I am retired and living in a rent-controlled apartment in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, out of which I run a bed and breakfast during the spring and fall months. The nightly rate is $68 with a complimentary continental breakfast spread, including crackers and cream cheese and crackers and cottage cheese. For a mid-afternoon snack, I serve pretzels and sardines in the front hall-way. I like to put a polka record on sometimes. I have three cats named Feivel, Ruth, and Moira too.

Well, I'm bushed now. Goodbye!